Fear 🌷

export703907274Now I know I am not supposed to have fear  or be worried but sometimes… I cannot help it when it comes to Jax. You should see my face  and how fast  my heart beats when I hear him  sneeze. I calculate  alot of  things.  Before we go to the store  I think  is it cold outside,  have I heard  of any viruses going around , will there be alot of people there, do I really need to get said item? I know some may think oh she is overreacting or wants to keep him in a bubble. Ehhh  Nope , that isn’t it. Jax is immunocompromised  meaning a common cold, could be bad, pneumonia  or flu.. let’s not even go there. A cold takes him about 2 to 3 weeks to get over. I can’t give him the normal cough syrup that you would five your child.   When he sneezes,  the Zyrtec or Claritan  starts  along with Maty’s baby chest rub ( I prefer that over Vicks  ). His vitals  are checked twice a day  so I just pay close attention to make sure there isn’t an increase in his heart rate or fluctuations  with his blood pressure.  I’m the mom that if you sound sick, you are sick and you should stay away lol. Friends and family if you haven’t gotten your flu shot we will see you sometime next year. I love you all but I love my kid more. I especially love when we are at home and not at the hospital.  I  never thought I would check my son’s capillary refill , or make sure he’s breathing” just because”. To wonder if just because  he says he is tired is it a normal tired or a “my heart is tired. If he doesn’t eat alot is it because he is becoming  picky about his choice in food or is it “my heart is sick”.   When he has Aa  fever,   is it a viral thing or heart rejection. It is not something I purposely  do, I just know that anything  is a possibility. I always pray for the best and know that even at the worst GOD will carry us through it.  I wish there was a bubble that Jax could live in, but he is a little boy that needs to experience things. He was not blessed with another heart…his gift from Adrian just for me to keep him confined. I am only trying  to make the best judgement calls that will benefit him in the long run. I have gotten better with some things but other things I just can’t help.  It is a journey in itself being a heart mom. But as most should know I would not change it for the world.  Jax is my blessing and I only try to be the same for him! Until Next time , Be kind to one another!!

Kandiss🌻

5 thoughts on “Fear 🌷

  1. Fear. It’s easy for me to quote the Bible, and tell you “do not be afraid” or say that “everything’s going to be okay” but i don’t think your intention for these blogs are to be comforted, but instead to be heard.

    I could never compare my life to yours or pretend to understand what you go through on the daily… these post are incredibly humbling and reminds me of how great of a mom, daughter, sister, and friend you are… 💜

    Like

    1. Toots, you’re some kind of wonderful. I’m So proud of you! I know your journey hasn’t been easy, and seem like as time would have it, you didn’t think you or Jax would make it, because fear gripped you..but fear grips us all in different ways, no matter how we appear to have it all together. But nothing happens by mistake! Remember one day, I told you that only God would give you a special baby, because it takes a special kind of Mother to care for a child like MY ” Munchkin”! You are My gift!! Jason is Yours! You are fearfully, wonderfully made! We will continue this incredible miraculous journey, and we will continue to allow GOD to lead, and we will follow, and that, my sweet beautiful blessed Toots is what makes you such a phenomenal woman, I love you, and Will be with you every step of the way!! Love Mom😙😙😙💞💞💞💞💞💖💖

      Liked by 1 person

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