The Feels 😣😟

Earlier this evening while holding Jax as he slept, out of No Where a bigillion emotions came over me and I started to have a panic attack. Since last week Wednesday night, Jax had ran low grade temp, his appetite decreased and it seems like he is retaining fluid. For those who don’t know, in 2015 similar yet way more intense  events happened and Jax webt from being fine to being in kidney failure, heart failure and etc. I’m really big on PTSD so I think watching him sleep ( he rarely naps) , seeing his eyes look so puffy and knowing he hasn’t been bouncing off of the walls like usual were triggers for me. I called the first number I saw which was Aimee’s and all I could say was “Can you calm me down?” I felt like I couldn’t breathe and I just told her that I was tired. Tired of seeing him have moments like these, having lines come out of his chest, taking meds and etc etc. She gave me comforting words while saying that she didn’t know how I did it. How I kept it together while taking care of not just a 5 year old but a 5 year old with cardiovascular problems. A 5year old with 16 meds, a broviac and a mickey button. A 5years with coronary artery disease and mild regurgitation  of the heart. NewsFlash⚡: I Do Not Know how I do it either lol. I cried hard, really hard and told her how I always try to make the right and best decision for Jax and his health. I have to pay attention to certain things and not let it slide because in his case it could be bad. But like any best friend would do,  she calmed me down and gave me some words of wisdom. Although she kept saying, “I don’t know exactly what to say since I’ve never experienced what you have,” she actually did say just the right things.👭 And that’s just 1 out of 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,…………… reasons why I love her 💙When Jax doesn’t feel well, I can’t sleep and I watch him like crazy. Since Wednesday night, I’ve been averaging about 4hours of sleep a night. I will literally check if he is breathing, his heartrate, O2 and temperature. He does have an appointment with Cardiology in the morning and I also took him to see his pediatrician on Friday. So no worries, you should know that I am determined to find out what’s wrong and to get my energetic little boy back. I try my best to have myself “together” but it doesn’t happen that way. Every now and then The Feels just come out of Nowhere and Slap me Hard in the face. I don’t let it …well I try not to let it get me down for long because there’s no need for it and Jax can always tell when I am sad. Things could be worse so I’m just Thankful for how everything is now. So, after a Prayer was sent to me by Mrs. Rosie and after writing in my bible journal I am back to myself (aka unstable  lol). I’m thankful that I have people in my life that are there for me. If Aimee had not answered I still had a good list of wonderful,beautiful friends/family to call. Which I’m sure some will ask why I didn’t call but with me , I really don’t want to relive a panic attack I just had over and over  lol.  You never really know what a person goes through or what can take them back to an unpleasant moment which is why I always say Be Kind to One Another. This was just a post about how fast a panic attack can happen, how PTSD can be associated with other tragedies ,events aside from Military/War and how your friends are always there when you need them.  So Until Next Time my friends, Be Kind to One Another  😊

Kandiss 🌻

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