I Miss..

I miss how you would just wrap your arm around my neck and rest your cheek on mine. How you would stretch your arms apart after I asked “How much do you love me?”. I miss you face timing me while I was working to ask for Sprite, Coke, Funyuns, a happy meal, and a cheeseburger. I miss how your face scrunched up after you said “No” to something and really meant it. You are so special I felt like the entire Universe should have stopped once you left. That everyone and I mean everyone on earth should have realized that at that moment, one of the greatest superhero’s had just ascended. It does not feel right that the world just goes on, that life goes on like normal. This is far from normal. My normal is waking up at 6am to give lovanox shots and giving you 2 oral medications. My normal was every Monday or Tuesday calling for milrinone refills and doing a bag(every 3 days) and cap(once a week) change. My normal was cardio appointments once a month or however often if I thought something was going on with you.My normal is trying to wake you up and hearing your sweet voice say (while hold 1 finger in the air)” One more minute mom.” I miss your oh so famous side eye, your very bossy, the way your smile made everyone’s day so much better. I miss me being able to look at you when something weird happened and hearing you say “Whaaat”, followed by us both laughing. Basically, I miss you Jax, and everything about you. I mean everything from you being Ornery, Sweet,talking back, being so loving and kind when you thought I was sad or hurt, and for you just always being you. You are a little boy who when your mind was made up, it was hard to get you to change it. You were so intuitive and even when my days were rough and I would hide it (try to hide it) from you you would hug my neck and say “It’s okay momma, I’m right here , just hug me.” Mommy is trying her hardest to figure out life without you physically here and it is hard. It is so hard, but I am trying to be vocal about how and what I am feeling. (Even though half the time I have no clue what that feeling is). 4 weeks and 1 day since you have been gone and it feels like 4 minutes. The way I believed in you and told you that you could do anything is how I am going to start ( try, try, Try) being towards myself. I learned how to be strong because of you, all because of you. Maybe down the line my days will become easier to go through but I will always miss you the same. You are so handsome, just a strong, and powerful little being. I say I miss you but I also feel you with me everywhere I go. It is just hard for me because I want to reach out and touch you and I can’t….I just can’t. But as I said, with time maybe my days will be a little easier or maybe they won’t. One thing that will never change is how I miss you. Keep on watching over me, I can hear you now saying “It’s okay momma, I’m right here , just hug me.” 😇

Until next time my friends, Be Kind to One Another❤

Kandiss🌻

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