I decided to not count how long you have been gone anymore because no matter how long it has been, the way I feel will not change based off of time. ( maybe in some years I will feel differently). Today I woke up feeling tired, just tired, and my throat felt funny but, I pushed through as I always have done. I did not makeup this morning per usual and then took my butt to work. I was okay for the most part until about 2 hours in. I started to get a headache and then started to feel hot all over. (almost like I had suddenly got a fever) and then it was like a rush of memories and flashbacks about Jax. I broke down and had to take a break, it took me a few minutes to get myself together. ( I literally had a paper towel right underneath my eyes because like Jax would say I could not mess up my Makeups). I attempted to go back to doing my job which lasted all of 5 minutes before I began to cry again. I was allowed to leave work early and all I did was come to my brother’s house, shower and got in bed. Literally to make it through my days, I have to pretend that I did not watch you leave this earth. I have to pretend to be normal when 99% ofthe time I do not know what normal is. I am usually honest when asked How am I holding up or how are you doing because I respond, “I am not okay” or that I am doing my best. Most of the time I feel empty, so empty without you being here. You really were my sunshine. You are my sunshine and I can’t wait until we are together again. Mommy is trying to get herself back together so I can … be back together. I know what the missing piece is, well who the missing piece is and that is you. Thankfully I have people who love me dearly that are trying to help me pick up these pieces because trust they are scattered everywhere but where they need to be. I am trying to let others help me but that is So So Sooooo hard for me to do. Part of it is because I am independent and the other part is that I do not know what to tell anyone How they can help me. Life without you Sucks so much and I am trying to maintain it without your bossy self physically being around. Thank you for coming to see me in my dreams, Thank you for teaching me things I never knew I needed to learn, and for making me put alot of things into perspective. I promise to make you proud of me.
Until next time my friends, Be kind to one another ❤