Feelings🙁

There is the overwhelming feeling that comes over me whenever I think of you. To keep my sanity, I have to pretend like the day you left me never happened so I can manage throughout the day. And even doing that is tough. Because how could I ever forget that day. I am horrible at Faking it until you make it. Some days I feel as if I am holding on by a thread, a very very fragile one at that. Increased doses of antidepressant medications, now on anxiety and sleeping meds. My mind is constantly on you. Everything reminds me of you…from certain smells or phrases to a random child’s mannerisms. Even the days I think I am doing great, someone notices that I am about to break. I have had to leave work a few times and sometimes I think I went back to soon. But in my mind I think it was best so that I wouldn’t “Be Still.” I have been trying to enjoy myself or whatever that means. I’ve been to visit friends, visit places with friends and I had a wonderful birthday. But no matter how much fun I could be having something creeps up and I just want to go to sleep all of a sudden. This is by far the hardest thing I am doing. Losing you Jax feels like my heart was broken into so many pieces. I know some pieces I won’t ever get back but I am trying to glue them back together. In my dreams I’m trying to save you, and I never am able to. But in my dreams I try everything that I physically can . And that’s how it was when you were here. I tried Everything to make sure you were more than okay, that you were loved, happy and as healthy as you could be. I would’ve died so that you could’ve lived. Maybe it is guilt I am feeling, maybe it is because I felt there was 1 more thing that I could’ve done to help you. Or Maybe my dreams are just letting me know I did what I needed to do, exactly what I needed and this was how it was always supposed to be. I was supposed to have a hand in helping the greatest little human this earth has ever seen. A little human who taught people when they didn’t know they needed the lessons. A strong, brave, ornery, sweet, funny, and an amazing little human. I am trying my best , and even though some may stop talking about you , or thinking of you My goal is to make sure nobody will ever forget your presence. ( they shouldn’t any way). Even with you not physically being here you are doing great things for those who loved you dearly. I will continue to take my time to become what God has intended for me to become. I am trying to listen and be patient.

Until Next Time my Friends, Be Kind to One Another 🌼🌻

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