Doing my best

How could it be 4 months already. 4 months of feeling this huge void in my life. I’m frequently asked what can be done to help me and the answer is , I don’t know. I don’t know what I can do for myself at times so I damn sure don’t know what someone else can do. 6years and 7 months of being your mom were very challenging as well as very rewarding. We had a our own “flow”, our daily routines , we were a team. I was Robin and you of course were Batman. Without Batman I don’t know what to do anymore. My routine is different and nothing is flowing anymore. Everything I did and was used to doing is no longer a thing . Sometimes I wake up from having a dream and forget you’re gone. That Is until I look over and see your bear and urn.(we had Jax cremated for those who did not know). Facing this reality has been difficult and I am sure it will continue to be. Since you physically left, I’ve noticed things about myself, others , and life itself. Some people I haven’t heard from at all since you’re memorial and to be honest, I am very okay with that. No lie, I was a little shocked , but hey what can I do about it. (not a thing). The good outweighs the bad and there are alot of good people out there that love and genuinely care about me. They care enough to check on me and to let me know they that are then when I need them. I am in a spot in my life now where I’m learning myself again. I’m the same Kandiss but different.(As if that is not confusing) I am trying to focus on understanding and figuring this new person out. I’m essentially trying to piece together this new life of mine the best that I can. I appreciate people that are close to me wanting to help me figure out this “new me”, but this is something I have to do alone. Not that I am saying I don’t need anyone’s help it’s just soo much going on in my mind, so many things I am feeling, and I’m still processing that I was in part of a decision to let my baby go. I’m most certainly not asking anyone to understand what I am feeling but to just be patient with me. I always dream of you and sometimes I wake up happy, indifferent, or heartbroken. (I do feel when I dream of you, you are trying to help guide me because you know you’re mommy can be clueless when it comes to doing things for herself). Mother’s day was incredibly rough but I made it through… Next is your birthday, I figure I will get you a Flash Birthday cake since he was on the last shirt you wore and have a little party. Mommy is going to keep doing her best because I know you want me to and know that I can do this. #ForeverMommysBaby #ForeverJaxsonStrong

Until Next Time My Friends, Be Kind To One Another ❤

Kandiss🌻

4 thoughts on “Doing my best

  1. I will never forget Jaxson! I admired you and was organized when giving all his meds how you draw then up and and give dose. You all always refilled next dose. Jaxson and you had a incredible bond❤️ l give you the best mom award! Jaxson had so much laughter and l personally seen you up at all hours at night. I can’t imagine how your feeling. But know he was lucky to have you as a mom.I have no advice but l can’t imagine the loss you feel and trying to move forward when all the hospital stay, every waking movement, receiving the calls for the heart transplants then having watch Jaxson go through the. But one thing for sure he was happy most time, love hearing his sweet giggles . He had a great MOM❤️ Sending you hugs !

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  2. Grief! It’s so weird that I can and can’t relate all at the same time. It’s been a year since I lost both my papa and my dad. There are some days that I feel I’m having the best day of my life and then ONE thing will trigger me and I just totally break. Some days that I don’t breakdown I have felt guilty for not breaking down when in reality it’s not a bad thing. I always feel weird saying “if they were here they would want” but if they could verbally tell us anything I’m sure it would be to live life to the fullest while we still have time. But doing it without them doesn’t seem full to say the least. I always tell people losing them is my “new normal that isn’t normal at all” thank you Kandiss for being transparent! I have always imagined that this is how felt inside and glad that you have this outlet to just release it versus stuffing it all in. I still hope one day we can truly hangout I think we’d have a good time girl. Nonetheless I pray that God will continue to give you strategies on how to maneuver through life day to day! Much Love ❤️ JazNailon

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  3. Good Morning Kandiss, I cannot even imagine what you are going through but I can tell you this, baby you are Loved , JESUS CHRIST care and He love you more than you will ever know, I love you to Kandiss. He know you have done your very best with Jaxson, so he gave you some rest from your weary Spiritual soul. JESUS is telling you everything is going to be alright Jaxson is with Him now, He understand your pain, but He still cares, He’s telling you to cast all of your cares upon Him and He shall give you rest. Go on and enjoy your life because Jaxson is truly enjoyjng his life watching , looking and waiting because one day with his new body no sickness nor diease you will see each other again, just live your life in JESUS CHRIST name,

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