I guess I expected to be okay this past weekend.(jokes on me) It would have been Jaxson’s 7th Birthday and I thought I would be able to have a party for him, do a balloon release, make him a cake, and you know do some of the things I normally would do if he was here physically. But when I tell you that I did none of the above…. I did ABSOLUTELY none of it. I typically have a hard time falling asleep and no matter how late I close my eyes, I will still wake up early. ( my average of sleep per week ranges from 3 to 6 hours). On that day (June 8th) I slept until almost noon. When I checked my phone I had 13 text messages from loved ones sending me sweet messages of how they missed Jax and that they were thinking of me. The water works immediately turned on. Mind you my brothers, sister, niece and a few nephews were in the same house as me but it took me another hour or 2 before I could face them. I couldn’t stop crying for a while, and I was filled with so much anger, confusion and sadness that I felt drained. I laid down so that I could calm down. Once I went downstairs and finally saw everyone they greeted me with hugs and kisses. My nephew Kasen caught my eye because he was wearing a shirt of Jaxson’s as well as his shorts. An Oddly enough he was watching every show in YouTube Jax used to watch and sang the same theme songs as Jax. (in my mind Jax was trying to comfort me) All day Saturday I felt like I had to face the day in increments. I would see everyone for an hour or 2 and then I would go upstairs to my room and cry again. This was all day…like clock work. At one point I had developed a horrible migraine and fell asleep. I don’t know why I fell asleep because it only intensified my migraine. It was also like nobody wanted to mention Jaxson. Not because they didn’t miss him but because they did not know what to say. They are my brothers and sisters so they could see that I was not okay… and was only trying to navigate through this day the best way that I could. Just by them looking at me I know they did not know what to do aside from showing me and telling me they loved me. A part of me started to feel guilty for not doing anything “special” for his day. I felt as if someone somewhere would say ” I can’t believe she did not so anything ” or whatever. But that was for a split second. I honestly don’t give a shit what anyone says, thinks, and/or feels what I should’ve done on MY son’s birthday. I also realized that figuring this out…experiencing the death of a child is foreign. For each individual it hurts in a different way,and no loss is the same. But I can tell you not to worry about how you think you should feel, how others think you should feel, or what you think you should do during an unimaginable time like this. Taking it day by day is the best thing you could ever do. It is okay to do nothing at all, it is okay to be angry, it is okay to go through 5 emotions in 5 minutes. Expect something like this to be a rollercoaster and Expect that eventually, your days will become manageable. I try to be honest now when someone asks me If I am okay. I tell them nope I’m absolutely not , and I am usually met with a look of shock. Allow yourself permission to feel those feelings… and I mean every feeling because it is more than okay to be angry, confused, hurt, sad, in denial, accepting of the tragedy at hand. The saying “it is better out than in” is so very true. So to anyone who is going through a loss, you are not alone. Even when you feel as if nobody on this earth understands, (which may be true to a certain extent, because every situation is different) you are not alone. I blog how I feel for not only therapeutic reasons but to reach someone who didn’t know they needed to be reached.
Until Next Time My Friends, Be Kind to One Another ❤