Rambling

After Jaxson’s Memorial January 26th, I spent the weekend in Texarkana. I headed back to Dallas late Sunday afternoon happy with how Jaxsons Celebration had turned out but still feeling hollow inside. Monday I go to the apartment to pick up a package only to find out that since Jax passed away and even though previously while he was still alive we had an extension until May to stay there, I was told that I had to be out due to there being a long list of other people needing it. I looked dumbfounded.. I know I did . I come back from having a memorial for my son and now I have to move… move to where? texarkana, noo I’m not quite ready for that. Move to an apartment. I hadn’t been to work in over 2 months and now after losing my son ,which was more than dear to heart… he is my heart, I now am losing a place to stay. This apartment was the place Jax and I called home for the past 3years. Now.. I have to leave and go through his belongings ( Which I wasn’t ready to do) sort them, figure out what to donate or what child could I give things too. Don’t get me wrong, I am soo so so thankful to the foundation for blessing myself and Jax for somewhere to live when I has to up and move from texarkana. But having to be out of the apartment so fast was mind boggling. Having to deal with things I did not know I was not prepared for was tough. Just the smell of Jax on his hair brush or favorite toothbrush will set me off. I also started work again and I kid you. ot every child that comes into the establishment is drawn to me. They come up to me smile at me, I talk to them, they talk to me and in one moment I think of how sweet they are and in the next my stomach is turning on the inside. Hearing his name being called…. messes with my head. At this point , I don’t know of it is better that I stay busy or seclude myself. I know I have had people tell me make sure you have someone around you, you don’t need to be alone. Well, some days I want to be left alone . I’m not ready for things that people think I am. My last blog I wrote, I received great feedback, as well was the one prior to that. I’m glad that just by me venting and expressing how I feel, that I am helping other moms that are going through similar things or just bringing insight to others. Sometimes I feel like I am having to process things faster because I am always the strong one, always the one that people come to for advice which is fine because I love to be there for others.

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