There is a certain pain you feel when you lose a child. There is no comparison to it. I thought I was hurt in a bad way when I lost my grandma ( Mudda) . Even when I experienced the loss of my best friend Annie (I was severely depressed, in shock, and etc) that was a different experience from how I felt after my grandma. For those who have children, you already know this but there is this new kind of love that runs deep through you veins, into your arteries, embedded into you, your soul when it comes to loving your child. And I can say from a Mother’s perspective that love is intensified. Being pregnant there is a bond that is formed. I knew Jax..like knew him, from how he would breathe, talk, his cries, his looks .. I’m sure you know where I am going with this. So imagine that love you had flowing through you feel like it was snatched away. Something that before was never missed (because pre child, you wouldn’t know what you were missing) but once you did know that kind of love you never want It to leave. Now I still have that love in me but not having Jaxson.. his vessel leaves me Hollow. I fight very hard daily to keep it together, do what needs to be done, and try my best to be kind to everyone.(because you never know what someone is dealing with). I recently did a store opening for my job and had to be out of town for 3 weeks. It was a good experience. I met alot of great people while there, learned alot of things as well see the different ways people approached training. I was there host training,helping and whatever was needed of me. Up until the end of my time being there, Alot of whom I worked with didn’t know that I was internally grieving my son. We worked long, long hours training people, helping them learn and though some days I was more than tired…mentally , and emotionally I made sure to stay true to what I always told my Jaxson. Which was “Always be kind, tell the truth and do the right thing.” Remembering this little phrase really helps me because y’all somedays I want to say “who wants these hands” lol. But no really I’m not joking 👀 Not a single day goes by that I don’t yearn for his kisses, hugs, laughs,”pranks” or his smart little mouth. The pain doesn’t get easier and but I believe I am getting better with masking my emotions. Time sure hasn’t helped yet. Everyone says they are proud of me. But I don’t know exactly what they are proud of. People tell me I am so strong but I feel very weak, so I don’t see how I resonate being “strong”. My life is forever changed. No more Jaxson, my relationship is no more (my call) and now I feel as if I am in limbo. I am trying to figure out which way to go..(if anyone knows my directions please speak up lol) I know I have to pray to ask God for help, guidance, clarity, and a whole lot more. You guys try to be kind to your peers, Just because you see someone put together doesn’t mean that they are. You never know what that 1 smile, 1 kind word, or 1 small gesture can uplift them In so so many ways. I know this blog was a bit of randomness but it was a bunch of randomness I needed to get off of my chest. I mean that is why I blog😉.
Until Next Time My Friends, Be Kind to One Another ❤