understanding

You held on for as long as you were intended to Jaxson. You helped me obtain knowledge I never knew I could, survive when I felt I could not, and fight for you the best way I knew how. I cant lie and say that I don’t question everything. Should we have not accepted the heart. Maybe you would’ve been fine, maybe you would have been suffering longer, maybe it would have been a scenario I really couldn’t have handled. You brought me so much happiness and joy. Your mom now is a little more outspoken, doesn’t settle for anything less than what I should. Yes, I miss you so much, more than anyone could ever imagine, unless they have experienced the loss of a child. Things are not the same and will not ever be. At this time in my life I am puzzled. After I had you, after realizing the journey we were about to take with you, It hit me that the things i experienced growing up was so that I could be everything you needed me to be. But this experience…. I dont know why yet. I know it isn’t for me to figure out but I feel as if it would make it a litter easier. A little easier for me understand why the best part of me had to go. Who knows maybe when that happens, maybe it won’t help at all (me understanding). Sometimes people skate around me without bringing up the obvious. Or if I seem a little somber, I hear the dumb question “what’s wrong?”. I only say dumb because in my head , you know I lost my baby, can’t I not have a day where I’m more mellow than normal. Or the “it will take time” sppchilll. Oh please, the more time that has passed means the longer I have been on this earth without my kid hasn’t. I know these things are harmless, I have even thought these things or said them myself without thinking anything of it. The do you want to have kids question is another one that I know seems harmful but to me puts me on edge. Yes I do want more children but they won’t ever replace Jax, they won’t ever make me not miss him. Yes,I will be able to love them harder, and really really cherish moments even more than I did before. Lately I have been praying for understanding, guidance, strength , clarity, patience, and discernment. I do understand that Jax shows me he is a around. Kids randomly blow me kisses, play peek-a-boo, tell me their love for Spiderman, or the ones that tell me their name is Jaxson. Maybe this understanding of why he is gone that I feel like I need will never come or maybe… it will come when I least expect it. Or maybe it’s already presented to me but I’m too cloudy to even recognize it. Sometimes we are so focused on the pain of things we can’t see the beauty in it. This momma I trying hard to get past that pain. Understand that some days I may seem like I am untouchable and others If you tap me I may break into a million pieces. It’s just this thing called grief. Understand that if I don’t smile as much today that it’s just one of those not so good days and I am trying my best. Words of encouragement are always welcome, hugs are accepted, and love is needed. I am just a grieving mom trying to gain some normalcy back whilst missing the biggest piece of her puzzle .

Until Next Time My Friends, Be Kind To One Another ❤

Kandiss🌼

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